K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.