I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Floor bacon is actually really good