one might say we're banned from that church
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
