his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
