Don't make out with my wife yet
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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