The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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