either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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