Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
