Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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