never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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