Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
