I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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