it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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