just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
