I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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