This is not my ceiling
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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