Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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