I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
