I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can't motorboat a personality
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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