I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
