K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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