I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
