I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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