Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So much rum. So many feels.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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