At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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