Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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