so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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