He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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