I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
is it fun? or sober?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
