Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
