im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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