im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
