I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
