I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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