by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
