I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
