Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
