Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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