I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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