Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
