Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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