if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
