oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
