I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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