now i know why i became what i already was.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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