I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
