your parents love me but you hate me
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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