Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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