I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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