I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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