he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
