Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
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Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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