He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
