so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
